At long last, it is time to announce the winners of the prizes.
But before I do, Joana, Katie, Lynne, Michal, Shannon, and I want you to know how much fun we had revising with all of you! Your comments, hard work, and enthusiasm was inspiring! Thank you for joining us on this #ReVISIONweek road!
The winners are:
Kathy Halsey won the Zoom Critique from Katie
Mary Warth won the Zoom Author Visit from Katie
Dedra Davis won a signed copy of LILLYBELLE: A DAMSEL NOT IN DISTRESS from Joana
Deborah Foster won a Zoom Session with Lynne
Wendy Greenley won a digital book from Lynne
Sara Fajardo won a non-rhyming critique from Michal
Stacey Miller won a non-rhyming critique from Lauren
Jeannette Lee won a non-rhyming PB critique from Shannon
Laurel Santini won a Zoom Author Visit from Lauren
AND, I decided to add a bonus “Ask Me Anything” prize which includes a 10-minute video or phone consultation with me. The winner is… Cindy Sommer.
Congratulations to all! You will receive an email at the beginning of next week with further information about your prizes.
And now for the 2022 dates. Mark your calendar!
This industry can certainly be challenging! Please remember:
Whew! What a week! We hope you reflected on your manuscripts, reveled in words, assessed ideas, wielded your hatchet, and played with voice. And most of all, we hope you had fun! Here are a couple of final tips.
And now for prizes!
Did you read the posts?
Did you comment on at least one or two posts?
Did you revise?
Click on the prizes below to enter the Rafflecopter. You have until October 20th at midnight MST to enter.
We look forward to seeing you next year for more #ReVISIONweek fun!
Until then…
Feel. Write. Risk.
Lauren, Joana, Katie, Lynne, Michal, and Shannon
P.S. Lauren is offering 25% off all critique prices exclusively to #ReVISIONweek participants from now until the end of the year.
Of course, some characters and ideas shouldn’t be fully flushed down the toilet.
In fact, hold onto the old as you create the new. Save your work as a new document each time you edit. And for particularly loveable words, create a BRAND NEW Google Doc titled “Words That Won’t Die”. Save all of the words you might use in the future, like “Dr. McDuckinstein” and “Shnuffle monster.” They demanded a future story. Someday I shall oblige.
Here’s an example of ruthless chopping from my recent picture book, I’M A GLUTEN-SNIFFING SERVICE DOG.
FIRST DRAFT: WARNING! You may not want to read it all.
FINAL DRAFT:After my critique partners, agent, and I took a hatchet to my story:
Hi, my name is Chewie. This is my girl, Alice. She feeds me, grooms me, and plays with me. I LOVE HER! But we aren’t just best friends. I’m also a Gluten Detection dog. And it’s my job to keep her safe.
Alice has an autoimmune disease called Celiac, which means her body attacks itself if she eats anything with gluten. Currently, there is no medicine for Celiac. The only way to stay healthy is by eating a strict diet called gluten-free. Otherwise they can develop other diseases too, like Type I diabetes, arthritis, Multiple Sclerosis, and certain cancers. But sometimes, even if they avoid bread/waffles/tortillas/doughnuts, it isn’t enough.
That’s because gluten is a sneaky monster, and it hides in lots of unexpected places like licorice, soy sauce, long-lasting lipsticks, certain soaps, and even in mouthwash!
For a long time Alice was so sick she couldn’t even go to school. But now, she has me. It’s my job to keep her safe.
I wasn’t always a gluten detective. I grew up in a house with my litter of poodle-mates. One day, a woman came to play games with us.
She hid food all over the yard, and watched as we sniffed it out (YUM!). I didn’t know it then, but she was testing us. It was my first test, and I passed with flying odors! My litter mate and I sniffed out all the teeny pieces of food spread around the bushes and trees. Our noses detected every scent!
So Jillian took us home to train as allergen detection dogs.
Turns out, I had the nose for gluten.
Every dog needs a person, and Alice is mine. Almost. I just have to graduate from training school, then we’ll be together all the time. Alice is great at ear scratching and playing fetch. I can’t wait to become her super-sniffing service dog!
First draft: Information dump.
Final draft: Essential information! Show don’t tell!
This story is near and dear to my heart. I wanted to share EVERYTHING about celiac, service dogs, and Alice’s struggles. But… it was waaaay too much. So I chopped.
Ruthlessly.
I cut Chewie’s background, moved most celiac information to the backmatter, and combined as many ideas as possible. My revision partners, agent, and editor cheered me on and reminded me, over and over and over, that a tighter manuscript is more powerful, and to trust my readers.
As you wield your own hatchet, remember that less is better. Chop with precision. Trust your writing partner and readers. And most importantly, trust yourself. You’ve got this.
Michal Babay is the author of I’M A GLUTEN-SNIFFING SERVICE DOG (Albert Whitman & Company) as well as the forthcoming picture book THE INCREDIBLE SHRINKING LUNCHROOM (Charlesbridge, 2022). After many years as a teacher and elementary resource specialist, Michal now spends her days writing stories, wrangling teenagers, convincing her three dogs to stop barking, and searching for the perfect gluten-free donut. Michal lives in Southern California with her family.
I’m a music lover. When I’m cooking, or driving, or cleaning…some Pandora station is always blasting in the background. Pop, country, Broadway, rock, Motown, the 80’s—you name it, there’s probably a station saved on my phone. Music motivates me to keep moving. But when I really want to engage my brain…
Or I really want to slow down…
I turn the music off.
I breathe deeply.
And I embrace…
Silence.
Ahhhhhh.
Don’t you feel calmer already?
Why is that? Why is it that reading can make us feel calm? Or excited? Or nervous? What kinds of tools can writers use to increase the emotional impact of a manuscript?
One of them is space. Making use of gaps, pauses, and space on the page can be powerful tools to slow our readers down when we want them to FEEL something. When we do this, we create read-aloud magic.
But how?
Sometimes, the most effective gaps happen when a page has no words. For example, when Tabitha and Fritz decide that their vacation spots are not all they had hoped in Katie Frawley’s TABITHA AND FRITZ TRADE PLACES, Laurie Stansfield fills two full spreads brilliantly, showing us these beloved critters bidding farewell to their new friends, then traveling back home through busy airports (always great for animal-watching, by the way).
Other times, pauses can be created in the manuscript itself using a variety of tools. One of my favorites (which lends itself to exciting page turns, too!), is the ellipsis. In I’M A GLUTEN-SNIFFING SERVICE DOG, Michal Babay effectively slows the reader repeatedly. Consider:
“I wish Alice were here to rub my belly. I snuggle her sweatshirt. Alice believes in me. But…”
But…but what? What happens next? The pause is there, effectively building tension and forcing us to turn the page.
When writing in verse, I love to create gaps by dropping an unstressed syllable in a foot, usually in the middle of a line (and separated by a comma or period). For example, in CAN U SAVE THE DAY, I wanted the reader to pause at the height of tension. The letter B is riding an uncontrolled, sleeping tractor, about to plow into the rest of the alphabet, but he can’t say anything or warn them because the vowels have gone on strike. The story reads:
“So no one heard. No one cared.”
So where is the gap? Well, I’ve written in iambic tetrameter, which means each foot should have an unstressed syllable followed a stressed syllable (da-DUM). “Tetrameter” means there are four feet per line. So the meter should read like this: da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM, da-DUM. In the line I’ve shared, however, the meter reads like this: da-DUM, da-DUM. DUM, da-DUM. As you can see, I’ve dropped an unstressed syllable in the middle of the line, and I did this purposefully. The pause highlights the tension, the sadness, and the loneliness of the moment.
Onomatopoeia is another great way to encourage pauses. Illustrators will often use these points in a manuscript to let their imaginations run wild (which always serves to improve the story!). Lauren Kerstein is a pro with this device, frequently having Charlie do things like GASP! DASH! CRAAASH! (as he does in ROSIE THE DRAGON AND CHARLIE MAKE WAVES). This lends itself to a perfect double-spread of illustrations by Nate Wragg.
In fact, empty space is often most effect when the manuscript and illustrations are perfectly married. On one page in THE BOY WHO GREW A FOREST, Sophia Gholz writes:
“Alone, he canoed down the muddy river. He wished he could cover all the land with trees…”
This same page is almost completely covered by an illustration showing nothing but a muddy river, an empty muddy bank, and a tiny canoe with a single boy as the rider. There is space all over this page, but it screams at the reader, drawing us in and begging us to move onto the next spread. Which, of course, we will do.
Likewise, Jane Yolen and Heidi Stemple open A KITE FOR MOON with this line:
“It was morning and Moon sat alone in the sky.”
This two-page spread is almost completely blue sky, with words against a blue sky on the left and a solitary moon on the right. There is so much space on the spread…but it is filled to the brim with meaning.
And finally, a few words on read-aloud magic. Tara Lazar (SEVEN ATE NINE, among others) is the queen of puns, in my opinion. If you want to know how to weave puns meaningfully through a book (or how to craft an entire manuscript around one pun), pick up one of Tara’s books. She’s a genius.
Lynne Marie is a master of verb choice. Take this example from MOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE SCARES:
“Plasma tracked the intruder upstairs. The three Scares shuffled behind.”
How much more “read-out-loudable” are these sentences than, say, “Plasma went after the intruder upstairs. The three Scares followed him.”
I mean, really. Zzzzzzz.
And finally: REPETITION. When a child knows what to expect, or hears a phrase repeated, it’s like hearing a good chorus in a song (there’s that metaphor again. Told you I love music). You can’t help but sing along. In LILLYBELLE: A DAMSEL NOT IN DISTRESS, Joana Pastro repeats two phrases:
“Too-da-loo!” and…
“…but not LillyBelle.”
These phrases are spaced perfectly within the manuscript and are simple (and cute) enough that young readers will pick up on them and want to repeat them with our heroine over, and over, and over again.
So there you have it. Pauses, gaps, space, and a few pearls on read-aloud magic. As a rhymer and a musician, of course I also adore poetic devices, such as alliteration and assonance.
But that’s for a different song.
Stay tuned…
(see what I did there?) 😝
Shannon Stocker is a writer, singer/songwriter, and fierce advocate for those who are differently-abled and/or chronically ill. She is the author of picture books LISTEN: HOW EVELYN GLENNIE, A DEAF GIRL, CHANGED PERCUSSION (coming from Dial/Penguin UK in April, 2022), and CAN U SAVE THE DAY (Sleeping Bear Press, 2019). She’s a frequent contributor to Chicken Soup, her memoir is currently circulating among publishing houses, and she just completed her first middle grade novel. The proud word nerd lives in Louisville, KY, with her husband, two children (including one cancer warrior and one with ADHD), and stash of hidden dark chocolate. Shannon currently serves as SCBWI social co-director for Louisville and is a 12×12 ninja. Cool facts: Shannon survived medical school, a coma, and once performed two songs, including one original, as part of an opening act for Blake Shelton. She’s also proud to announce that LISTEN was recently selected by the JLG as a book club pick!
Yesterday, we talked about identifying weak words and phrases. Today, we will play with them and spice them up!
Let’s explore a few examples before we jump right in:
Instead of saying: “She walked into the room,” you can say:
She trotted over to the couch.
She blasted through the door.
Her footsteps echoed in the room.
Instead of saying: “She felt sad,” you can say:
She hugged her arms around herself and rocked back and forth.
Tears threatened to spill out.
An emptiness hollowed her stomach.
Each of these connotes a different feeling, setting, sensory experience, resonance, etc.
Now it’s your turn to be a word wizard.
Step One: Write the words you want to spice up in the chart below. If the chart format doesn’t work for you, you can brainstorm with a fun pen and paper, directly in the manuscript with a different color font, or in a comment box in your manuscript.
Practice Exercise: Find five different ways to say: “And then he left.” How can you SHOW this instead of TELLING the reader?
Step Two: Explore synonyms, verbs, and sensory language to determine a stronger word or phrase and add possibilities to the “new phrases or words” columns.
Step Three: Read the words aloud. Read the words in your head. Do they convey the emotion, setting, mood, etc. you want to convey? If yes, HOORAY! If not, play around with other possibilities.
Step Four: Think about the way your words sound. Employ literary devices such as alliteration, consonance, assonance, etc.
Pro Tip: Delete anything tell-y, unless you are strategically breaking the rules.
Have fun with words. Let yourself PLAY! Strengthen those words in a way that leaves your reader feeling all the feels! Your manuscript will be more unique, resonant, and powerful!
Feel. Write. Risk.
Lauren
Lauren Kerstein is an author and psychotherapist. She’s a Jersey girl at heart who currently lives in Colorado with her husband, their two dragons…er, daughters, and their rescue dog. Lauren is the author of the Rosie the Dragon and Charlie picture book series (Illustrated by Nate Wragg/Two Lions). Her latest picture book, HOME FOR A WHILE (Illustrated by Natalia Moore/Magination Press) moved into bookshelves February 2, 2021. Lauren also writes books in her field about sensory challenges, emotion regulation, and flexible thinking. Lauren is one of the founders of #ReVISIONweek, a judge with Rate Your Story, runs a critique business, and is a long-time member of 12×12 and SCBWI. Her writing goals are simple. Read voraciously. Embrace feedback. Grow each day. Work hard. Be passionate. Write courageously. Touch children’s hearts. Visit her at www.LaurenKerstein.net, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram (@LaurenKerstein) and FB (https://www.facebook.com/laurenkersteinauthor).
Let’s write words that evoke as much feeling, emotion, and meaning as this gif:
Take a moment to write down five descriptions of this picture. Feel free to post your descriptions in the comments.
What is this adorable little one seeing, feeling, doing, thinking? Can you condense this into a strong sentence or two that might appear in a picture book? Hone in on this small moment and let yourself PLAY with words.
Words are incredibly powerful- both in a positive way and in a negative way. And words impact people in different ways (as Aixa Perez-Prado reminded me in a wonderful and powerful 12×12 PB Webinar). (Thank you, Julie and Kelly for enlisting the most incredible speakers!)
Jason Chin also reminded me of the power of finding just the right words. Here is an example of a fine sentence that he turned into an exquisite one.
“The universe is the biggest thing we know of…”
⇩
“The universe is the grandest environment we know of…”
Let’s explore our manuscripts and determine whether or not our language is evoking the images, feelings, and experiences we want to create for our readers. Don’t forget to think about Katie’s post about voice as you embark on your word journey. Try to think about how your character might say something.
We will begin with Steps One and Two today. Tomorrow I will lead you through and activity that will help you strengthen the words and phrases you’ve identified.
Step One: Read through your manuscript and highlight the word or words you want to strengthen. Be brutal.
Step Two: Take pictures or write down language you love in books you read, no matter the genre. This will help you sharpen your word mind.
Here are a few examples of phrases I loved and saved from THE ENGINEER’S WIFE (Tracey Enerson Wood):
“Her heels ticked across the oak floor…”
“The sun, which would never have the temerity to be absent from one of her events, shone high in a cloudless sky.”
“My insides crumbled.”
“I went to bed alone after Wash fell asleep with his paper wives.”
These are obviously different words than we might use in a picture book. They are from a novel. But I think they really highlight the ways in which we can use language to evoke the feelings we want readers to feel and the images we want to create.
I’ll see you tomorrow!
Feel. Write. Risk.
Lauren Kerstein is an author and psychotherapist. She’s a Jersey girl at heart who currently lives in Colorado with her husband, their two dragons…er, daughters, and their rescue dog. Lauren is the author of the Rosie the Dragon and Charlie picture book series (Illustrated by Nate Wragg/Two Lions). Her latest picture book, HOME FOR A WHILE (Illustrated by Natalia Moore/Magination Press) moved into bookshelves February 2, 2021. Lauren also writes books in her field about sensory challenges, emotion regulation, and flexible thinking. Lauren is one of the founders of #ReVISIONweek, a judge with Rate Your Story, runs a critique business, and is a long-time member of 12×12 and SCBWI. Her writing goals are simple. Read voraciously. Embrace feedback. Grow each day. Work hard. Be passionate. Write courageously. Touch children’s hearts. Visit her at www.LaurenKerstein.net, and follow her on Twitter and Instagram (@LaurenKerstein) and FB (https://www.facebook.com/laurenkersteinauthor).
Hello, revising friends! What have you brought to work on this week? A brand-new, stinky first draft? A stubborn WIP you’ve whipped out of the drawer a million times, only to stuff it back in again? A nearly-polished manuscript that’s just lacking a certain something? Whatever you’re revising this week, focusing on voice can help bring your manuscript to the next level.
In this post, I’m going to focus on authorial voice rather than character voice. A great example of distinctive authorial voice is Jon Klassen’s hat trilogy (I WANT MY HAT BACK, THIS IS NOT MY HAT, and WE FOUND A HAT). If you’ve read one or more of these books, you know the voice instantly. Deadpan, dry, irreverent in the most stoical way. It’s not about the style of one particular character. The book as a whole conveys a uniquely hilarious feeling.
Other examples of memorable authorial voice are THE GIVING TREE (Silverstein) with its quiet, simple power; ON THE NIGHT YOU WERE BORN (Tillman), a whimsical, lyrical, and majestic story; and anything written by Sandra Boynton. In each of these examples, the book as a whole has a distinctive feel, whether it be comical, poignant, stirring, or silly.
Think of a story you love that has a voice that might fit your WIP. Read that story several times through, from beginning to end, then go back to your story, and see how you can bring a similar feel to your words. I did this with THE GIVING TREE when I was working on my upcoming (not yet announced) book. I read it over and over and over, sometimes to my kids, sometimes to myself. And I thought about the feeling that book evoked in me when I sat down to work on my story. It had a stillness, a steadiness, and a strength that I wanted to draw out of my own story. And when my acquiring editor finally read that manuscript, she said, “It kind of makes me feel like THE GIVING TREE.” GAH!!!! Jackpot.
Voice can be a slippery concept. It’s a bit hard to pin down and define, but you know strong voice when you see it. Comb through your shelves, hit the library and browse, find the books that speak to your soul, and sink your teeth into them. Absorb their magic into your brain, and see if you can cast a similar spell as you revise.
Katie Frawley studied English at the University of Florida (GO GATORS!) and earned a Master’s degree in British and American literature from Florida Atlantic University. Before having children, she had the distinct honor of teaching English to rowdy teenagers. When not banging away on the keyboard, Katie can be found testing new recipes with her miniature sous chefs, shooing iguanas away from her garden, or reading picture books to a captive audience on the couch. Katie lives in South Florida with her husband and five children.
Ideas are interesting creatures. They come in all shapes, sizes, and colors. Some are good, and some aren’t so good. Some get bigger and better, some wither and disappear. As writers seeking publication, it’s really important to develop an eye for ideas.
The right ideas, with nurturing, will break through, grow and bloom. They will usually become something bigger and better than their original form.
The wrong ideas are seeds that just don’t have what it takes. No matter how much inspiration and perspiration you exert and all the right nurturing you provide, it won’t help them.
As you can imagine, the wrong ideas often masquerade as good ideas. So how can you tell the difference? One helpful approach is to realize that sometimes your first idea will not be your best. It really pays to push yourself and come up with ten, fifteen, even twenty ideas before sifting through and settling on the best one. With ideas it’s not always so much what it is, but what it can be…
When I speak of ideas, I am not just speaking of the original idea. I am speaking of any idea — like a title, a character name, what problem the character might have, what his flaw might be, how he might try to solve his problem, your story theme, the story solution, etc. Sift through many ideas to find the one that will likely work best.
Sometimes, the best idea is still a bit elusive. Often, when I review marketable picture book ideas with clients, I will see a list of ten or so and then some notes at the bottom. “What are those?” I ask. “Oh, those are just afterthoughts,” I’m told. “Perfect!” I say. “Let’s dig through those.” Often a great idea isn’t obvious, but is right under our nose. So make a list and stretch yourself out of your comfort zone.
Once you have your list of ideas, many of which appear good, here are some checks and balance to apply:
Is the topic universal, but unique?
Has it been done before?
[Check Amazon, Online Book Lists, the library.]
Is the theme one that has relevance to a child?
Will a child connect with the idea?
Will a child identify with the main character who is bringing the idea to life?
Will the child understand the words used to convey the idea?
Do the thoughts and actions of the idea unfold in a kid-friendly way?
Does the idea unfold in / lend to vivid, playful language?
Will a child want to hear the idea over and over again?
Does the idea offer some takeaway value to the reader?
Other equally important factors are:
1. Is the idea timely?
2. Is there a need for the idea?
3. Do you have a passion for and/or a connection with the idea that demonstrates that you are the person to write about the idea? If not, are you willing to do what it takes to accurately convey the idea?
4. Is there a foreseeable spot for your idea in a publisher’s catalog?
5. Will Barnes and Noble know just where to place your idea on their display and/or shelves?
When deciding whether or not to pursue an idea, consider if it has the desired hooks. As a general rule, I strive for three. If you have favorable answers to the above questions and can name three selling hooks, give your idea the green light.
Now execute it in the best, most effective way possible and reach those stars!
Happy Re-Visioning!
Lynne Marie is the author of Hedgehog Goes to Kindergarten — art by Anne Kennedy (Scholastic 2011), Hedgehog’s 100th Day of School — art by Lorna Hussey (Scholastic 2017),The Star of the Christmas Play — art by Lorna Hussey (Beaming Books 2018),Moldilocks and the 3 Scares — art by David Rodriguez Lorenzo (Sterling 2019 and Scholastic 2019) andLet’s Eat! Mealtime Around the World — art by Parwinder Singh (Beaming Books 2019), The Three Little Pigs and the Rocket Project — art by Wendy Fedan (Mac and Cheese Press / CAW Publishing, November 2021) and American Pie — art by Dea Lenihan (Dancing Flamingo Press, 2022).
When she’s not searching for story ideas all over the globe, she lives on a lake in South Florida with her family, a Schipperke named Anakin and several resident water birds. Visit her at www.LiterallyLynneMarie.com. Lynne Marie is represented by Marisa Cleveland of www.theseymouragency.com
Hello, friends! Welcome to another exciting day of ReVISIONweek!
If you’re like me, you have a million manuscripts waiting for revision, but how do you choose which deserves your attention?
Today I’m going to share my tried-and-true method for deciding what to revise next. This is something I do whenever I feel like tackling one of my truly awful first drafts
Take a quick look at your manuscripts on file. Select up to five of them by searching for the ones that excite you the most, not necessarily the ones in best shape.
Now that you’ve picked the manuscripts, read the first one.
Without wasting any time, and using mostly your gut, answer these questions:
Why do I like this?
How can I make it better?
How can I make it unique?
What would I want the reader to take away from this? What feelings do I want to evoke?
Is there a plot, or is it simply a sequence of events tied together?
Feel free to add more questions as needed.
Answering questions is a great way to trigger your creativity and the problem-solving part of your brain. So, write down any thoughts or ideas you might have throughout this process.
Repeat this with the other manuscripts.
Resist the urge to stop this exercise early. You’ll notice that sometimes the solution for one manuscript will emerge when you’re thinking about another manuscript. That always happens to me.
Once you’ve gone through this process, you should be able to pick the manuscript you’d like to tackle this week—if not all—and as a bonus, have a good roadmap to follow during revision.
One last tip for ReVISIONweek success: set daily goals that are attainable. Establish times to read and comment on the posts (by the way, I’d love to know if this post helped you), as well as times to actually work on your revision.
Happy revising!
Joana Pastro always wanted to be an artist of some sort. So, she became an architect. But once her first child was born, all the visits to the library, and the countless story times made Joana start dreaming of becoming a children’s book author. After a lot of reading, writing and revising, her dream came true. Her debut picture book, LILLYBELLE, A DAMSEL NOT IN DISTRESS, illustrated by Jhon Ortiz, was published by Boyds Mills Press in 2020. Her second book, BISA’S CARNAVAL, illustrated by Carolina Coroa will be published by Scholastic in December 7, 2021. Originally from Brazil, Joana now lives in Florida with her husband, her three extremely creative children, a rambunctious Morkie, and a needy Maltipoo. Visit her on Twitter @jopastro, Instagram @joanapastro or atwww.joanapastro.com
![The Giving Tree by [Shel Silverstein]](https://m.media-amazon.com/images/I/41aWAJ1qNKL.jpg)
